Chapter 4: Caleb's confession

"I loved you enough to let it go." I kept replaying Mandy's words from the BBQ in my head, trying to figure out exactly what she had meant. I did not recall much love at the end and certainly didn't feel that wanting to end our marriage was the greatest sign of love. I remembered that I loved her at the end and she seemed to hate me and the career I had chosen which was such a large part of me. But, I did remember that it had not always been that way.

Mandy and I met the summer of 1994. We were about to enter our junior year in high school. She had moved to town from Los Angeles due to her father's job transfer.
Everyone wanted to meet and become best friends with the interesting and beautiful girl from California who by the end of the year was voted, "Most likely to become famous." Mandy was as lovely and gracious as she was heart stopping gorgeous and was an extraordinary actress. On Graduation day, everyone in town who cared about theatre at all thought she should catch the next plane back to L.A. and fulfill the high school prophesy. However, that was not what Mandy wanted. Laying by the lake on a blanket after hours of holding each other and talking, Mandy told me exactly what she wanted.

"My dad really wants me to audition for this part on "The Young and the Restless. He knows a guy that knows a guy, blah, blah, that knows the casting director."

"That sounds cool. Are you going to do it? You don't sound excited." I said, wanting to be supportive but not wanting to lose her.

"No, I don't want to go back to L.A. I like it there. I just want to stay here and do local stuff, maybe the occasional commerical so I can -- you know, stay here with you." She said carefully.

"That sounds even better." I said.

"Well,what are you doing to do with your free time besides 'the occasional commercial'?" I teased.

"I won't have much free time." She said.

"Why not?" I said, really not knowing what she was about to say.

"Being a wife and mother takes up alot of time." She said, smiling.

"Oh really? Who, may I ask, are you planning to marry and make babies with, ma'am?" I ribbed.

"Hopefully you, Dan. I love you. I don't want anyone else forever and forever." She said, now serious.

"I love you too. So much. Forever and Forever, I promise."



And so, after four years at UT and many a frat party later, we got married July 21,2000.We were really good together. But, the closer I got to achieving my dreams of working as an agent for the NBA and bringing in the big dough so we could have an awesome life, the more she resented it. I didn't understand it at all! Didn't she understand that I wanted these things, this life for her?! But, as frustrated and at each other's throats as we were, I never thought we would get a divorce.

Towards the end, we fought everyday, and most fights had the same theme: I loved the job more than I loved her. Which was totally incorrect in my eyes but I couldn't convince her of that. I begged her not to file, she did anyway. I pleaded with her and told her how much she was killing me, which she was. I offered to cut back or quit. She said that wouldn't work because "my heart would still not be in the right place." Finally, I give in and signed on the dotted line of our failed union two years ago. And now, the love of my life was going to move to some crap town with my crap cousin and I couldn't do a damn thing about it but try to kill the pain. That's where Chelsea comes in. But, not before Caleb calls.
"Hey, brother." He said.
"Yo."
"So, today was weird, huh?" Caleb said.
"Yeah, to say the least." I say wearily.
" Listen, Dan. I know you are hurting. And I know your way of dealing with it is not always, well, talking to God."

"Look, Caleb, if your calling to lecture me one more time about how much I'm going to church or to say, 'Just turn your eyes upon,Jesus' and this will all blow over, save your breath, man! Because, you know what, you got NO idea how much I talk to Jesus, okay?! I admit I don't always make the best choices but don't measure me against you.I'm sorry "the faith" doesn't come as easily to me but it doesn't but that doesn't I don't believe!"


"No, No Dan. You are right. You are right. I can't measure you against me. You are right. No one should judge anyone. And I shouldn't have before and I am sorry if I made you feel that way. I was calling just to tell you that I love you and I know that this whole thing isn't easy. I wanted to tell you something I haven't told you before."
"Okay, what?" I said, sensing this was going to be big.
"Jenn and I have had trouble before. Actually, we almost filed for divorce once." Caleb said.
"What?! Why? and When?" I said, trying to recover from the most shocking news I've ever heard.
Caleb sighed. "Dan, even though I'm a pastor, being married is a great challenge. Temptation presents itself in all ways. For me, it was also a job in a sense. I convinced myself that I was being called to serve as a missionary overseas and was ready to move my family or leave them to pursue it."
"Well, that doesn't' sound like temptation, I mean, that's what some pastors are called to do, right? Jenn wasn't supportive?"
"If I had been wanting to go for the right reasons, she would have been, of course. But, the truth was, I was feeling suffocated. I felt like I was living this little life in a suburban town. It wasn't driven from God at all but I was convinced. I ignored Jenn's wishes and pressed forward with my plan. So, I went to Honduras for 2 months, remember? Well, that was the test trip. Jenn said when I got back, we would really have to talk and make some decisions. I knew what that meant. But by that time, I resented her so much from trying to stop me, I didn't care." Caleb said, choking up thinking about that time.

"So, what happened?" I asked quietly.
"Well, the first month or so, I was sure that I would spend the rest of my years being this rugged, adventurer missionary and my family would come around to idea and everything would be great and perfect and Jenn would be sorry for being so wrong. But by week 4, I knew the truth. I was just trying to run away from the little annoyances of life like electric bills and car pool and I had somehow forgotten how blessed I was. The last week, I cried every night and begged God to help me be better and prayed my wife would forgive me."

"I guessed she did, right?. . since you guys seem better than ever." I said also choking up.

"Dan, I got off that plane, took my wife in my arms and I said, 'I am sorry. Please forgive me. Then she said, 'Of course I forgive you. I'm sorry too. Let's just leave it where it should be, in the past' and we've hardly ever discussed it since then."

"So, what are you telling me,Caleb. I need a trip to Honduras?"

"No, Dan. I'm telling you not to give up on the great blessings God has given you. Talk to God. Talk to Mandy. I know she loves you as much as Jenn loves me. I know you still love her. I think things just got all mixed up with you guys but it's not too late. But Dan? Do it quickly. Travis confided in me that he is going to ask her to marry him before they leave.

"Wow." The only thing I could think to say to that news.

"Dan, one more thing."

"There's more?!!" I said, now pouring a glass of scotch.

"Brother, I apologize I have given you such a hard time. You're great at your job, you do it well, and it brings you great joy and you shouldn't give that up. You like nice things, like cars and fancy dinners and that is okay too. My concern for you has always been balance. It's okay to like nice things as long as they fall in the right place on your priority list. Ok, that's my last lecture until -- well, at least next Sunday!" Caleb joked to lighten the mood.

"Thanks, Caleb. I appreciate all you've said. I will keep you posted on any new developments."

I hung up and chugged my glass. I almost texted Mandy to tell her to meet me so we could talk. But, I didn't really know what to say yet, so the true guy fashion, I said nothing at all. I decided I needed a few days to think about everything and how I really felt. I also thought about canceling with Chelsea but I didn't think that would change things and it was better than sitting at home. Plus, who knows? Maybe I will fall in love tonight and forget all about Mandy. That would certainly be easier.



1. WHAT DALLAS, TEXAS (4 OR 5 STAR) RESTURANT WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE DAN TAKE CHELSEA TONIGHT?

2. A MAJOR EVENT HAPPENS SOON WITH DAN IN REGARDS TO HIS JOB. THOUGHTS? IS JOEY HURT WORSE THAN WE THOUGHT? DOES CHELSEA'S DAD FIND OUT THEY ARE DATING AND IS DISPLEASED MAYBE? HOW ABOUT VETERAN PLAYER, DARIUS? DOES HE GET HURT, HAVE LEGAL TROUBLE, GET SUSPENDED? MAYBE DAN IS GETTING MOVED TO ANOTHER TEAM? I'M OPEN TO IDEAS :)